Christmas come and gone

When I was a child, it seemed like all the major events had specific feelings attached to them that made the inseparable from any other dates on the calendar. The last day of school had a distinct feeling to it. As did the first day of school. The fair or circus had distinct sensations. A birthday had a feeling all its own. As did the Fourth of July, Halloween, and, of course, Christmas. Even the lesser holidays, like Easter and Valentine’s Day, had unique feelings.

However, it seems the older I get, the more all the big days merge with the normal ones. And it isn’t like I’m ‘growing up.’ I still got Star Wars action figures for Christmas, just as I did 30 years ago.

It’s just that something seems to have changed.

I mean there is nothing really unique about my birthdays anymore. Sometimes, I even have to have Kristie remind me how old I am. I was claiming 32 several times before Kristie corrected me. As a child, I recall thinking that my ninth year could not pass fast enough. I just couldn’t have to have that extra digit added to my age. The same was true when I officially became a teenager.

Even that unique feeling of Christmas, part anticipation (all those presents beneath the tree) part speculation (how did those boxes all wrapped up size up to what I asked for?) part freedom (ten wonderful days off from school) and part unusualness (watching shows that I normally didn’t see, sleeping in, sledding in the middle of the day) is not as distinct as it used to be.

In fact, on Christmas day I drove to Fargo to pick up Eddie, who flew in from Colorado, and it could just have been another day instead of Christmas.

Unfortunately, one of the feelings that I have gotten used to is that of loss. The anniversary of my father’s death is only a few days away. Now, that day had a specific sting to it. As did the day in June when Mom died.

The reason Eddie flew up is because Monica, the wife of one of his close friends, is dying of brain cancer. She will be close to the 20th close friend or family member Kristie and I have lost in the past five years. That same sting is there for every one of them.

The old feelings of anticipation for Christmas, the fair, or Halloween, were replaced by feelings of loss for funerals or dread for the results of stress tests/CT scans/screenings/ biopsies and so on.

Luckily, the sting of those losses is tempered by happier feelings.

Our anniversary is one of them. As was the feeling the day Kenzie arrived.

We have also been able to celebrate with friends and family several births over the past five years as well. Each of those days have specific emotions tied to them.

Now, Kristie is even openly discussing trying to get Kenzie a little brother. That day, if it comes, will have that unique feeling of anticipation (those nine months are quite a wait), dread (will everything go well? Will our little one be healthy?), and exhilaration (holding Kenzie’s hand, and having her rub it against her cheek, moments after her birth while the nurse cleaned her off).

Maybe it will be through them that I’ll be able to feel those days distinguish themselves once again from all the other days on the calendar. Or it could just be that, given all of the losses I’ve experienced, I value all of the regular days a little more than I used to.