Homecoming 08

Over the years I have been a constant guinea pig for homecoming and snow fest skits. But this year tops everything.

In the past I have . . . dressed up as Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks and lip synced the Chipmunks Christmas song (to KoKo's incredible delight), rode in on a bicycle all dressed in leather to "Leader of the Pack" with the other English teachers, played Simon Cowell twice in mock American Idol talent shows (my personal favorites), dressed up as the foreign judge for "Dancing with the Stars," put make up on another teacher in a dress up relay contest, danced with the football players, done some kind of somersault routine as part of a teacher skit, danced to YMCA with some other teachers, and a few other humiliating things that have - mercifully - slipped my mind over the years.

But yesterday I ended up accepting a part in the featured "Fear Factor" contest. In the span of ten minutes, I had to lip sync a song ("Wild Thing"), wrestle a gorilla (well, a student dressed in a gorilla costume), and eat cow tongue. Yes, you read that last part right.

Only they didn't tell us about the cow tongue part.

Contestants for "Fear Factor" were football players from each grade. Unfortunately, I was the representative from the coaching staff. Worse yet, I was selected to lead off each fear factor. So I was the first to lip sync - even though the lip sync machine wasn't working. But I improved the chorus for "Achy Breaky Heart" to a few chuckles. Then I had to sample the cow tongue, which tasted exactly as one might think. Finally, came the gorilla wrestling. One of my former players was dressed up as the gorilla. Prior to the contest, I told him what I had in mind for him. So I got him in a head lock and then did a drop and nailed him with an elbow. Finally, I yanked one of his legs back and spanked him until he cried for mercy. What they neglected to tell me was that another student - in yet another gorilla costume - was lurking just off stage. On cue, he rushed in to help and leveled me. I was no match for them after that!

Despite being somewhat of a ham, I think I'm getting too old for this stuff!