Thinking about childhood antics

While reading Ch. 4 of TKM yesterday, this incident came to mind.

Two blocks to the south of my house was an empty lot. It happened to be right next to Robbie’s house. He was part of the neighborhood gang that I ran with, so it became the site of all kinds of games: football, baseball, kick the can, five hundred, and marbles (I won my favorite marble there on a scorching August evening).

The only drawback was that it was right across the street from a monstrous yellow house that was occupied by Dr. Nakib (a foreign doctor who moved to town with his family) and his family. I believe the were from Nigeria.

It’s not that Dr. Nakib was such a bad person (well, he never permitted me to have my tonsils removed – despite my mom’s insistence – he always claimed that he had almost died from tonsillitis as a child but he was able to pull through. If he could do it, I could too). They were a bit odd, though.

Apparently, Robbie’s mother had brought over a plant, (I recall it was some type of aloe vera) as a welcome to the neighborhood gesture. Robbie swore to us all that they had eaten the plant! I don’t know if they just gobbled it up right in front of Rosie (that was what I pictured) or if they sent her a thank you note for the wonderful meal or if she just stopped by and noticed that it was gone. I do know that Robbie and his brothers swore that they had eaten it. For a ten year old, that was good enough for me.

It wasn’t that strange. I mean Mom and Dad basically ate plants before their meals in the form of salads. I had tried some of the stuff, but unless it was doused in the thick red sauce named after our ancestors “The French” – or at least that’s what I called it – it tasted like grass.

And who was I to criticize? I had seen the dried up plants and seeds that my brother often smoked. Who was I to judge? Maybe if I brought him some of those dried up plants and seeds Dr. Nakib might finally grant Mom permission to get my tonsils removed.

However, tragedy struck, and I forgot all about my tonsils.

The gang was having one of our usual baseball games in the lot. Loren, a large kid from across town, happened to biking by and asked to have an at bat.

Well, Loren, and his ogre like brother, Melvin (I remember thinking how could you be named Melvin and not somehow resemble an ogre?) were not just the bullies of the neighborhood. They terrorized the whole south side of town. Both were larger than any of the other kids. Both were Indian, so they were burnt a dark brown that made them stand out and seem even bigger.

Lance and I, who were playing standing in left field, were on guard, but since it was Loren and not Melvin, we didn’t think anything too bad was likely to take place.

Both Lance and I looked about for Melvin, for when Loren showed up ogre boy was never too far behind. But it appeared that we had caught a break.

That was until Loren stepped up to the plate. Wade, Robbie’s older brother, who was not the most physical or athletic kid in the neighborhood, had whined until they let him pitch.

An amusing side note here about Wade: I had just learned a year earlier that Wade was in fact a boy.

For the first nine years that I had known ‘him,’ I was positive Wade was a girl. He talked in a falsetto voice, he cried easiest of everyone, he ran like his two younger sisters, and he wanted to play all the female roles in any of the movies or cartoons we acted out – the dead give away was once we were playing out an episode of our favorite cartoon “Thundarr the Barbarian,” which featured Thundarr as the macho protagonist, his mutant wookie like sidekick Ooglach, and the sorceress Ariel.

Whenever Lance and I played “Thundarr” with Robbie, Wade, and the brother who fell between them, Chad, we always got cast as the villains. After all, Thundarr had long blond hair, which fit Robbie to a T. Ooglach was big, hairy, and strong as an ox, which fit Chad to a T, and Ariel was a girl, which fit Wade to a T – or so we thought.

Unfortunately, those were the only good guys. That left Lance and me to play the villains, which meant getting mostly pummeled by Thundarr and Ooglach (I always tried to be the villain that Thundarr vanquished for Robbie was no where near as strong as Chad, which always left poor little Lance beat to hell.

Sometimes the episode even called for us to got beat up by Ariel. But for some reason getting pummeled by Wade was awkward.

Lance always swore that Wade seemed to enjoy rough housing more than Robbie and Chad. I thought he was nuts. Since I was bigger than anyone else other than Chad, I often ended up falling on Wade, err Ariel, when she was supposedly conquering the bad guys and often ended up comforting her instead as she bawled about a twisted ankle or hurt wrist.

This didn’t happen much though because we tried to inveigle our friend Danny into playing a third victim, usually dispatched by Ariel.

The kicker, though, was when Mom asked me whom I wanted to invite to my ninth birthday party.

I ticked off the names from the neighborhood and school: Lance, Danny, Brain, Robbie, Chad, Simon, Eric, Dale . . .

“What about Wade?” Mom asked.

Incredulous I replied, “Mom. I’m not inviting girls!”

That was when she explained to me that Wade was, in fact, a boy.

“Well, you could have fooled me!” I replied. But if Mom said it was true, then it sure had to be.

Of course, it was no surprise at all when Wade came out of the closet once he graduated high school and moved away.

I believe my exact words to Mom were, “No straight guy wants to be Ariel.”

Sure enough, Wade lobbed a huge meat ball right toward Loren. I watched as the ball arched lazily toward home.

Then Loren swung and connected squarely with the ball while Wade’s hands rushed to his ears and cowered on the mound. I saw the ball soar before I heard the ‘tink’ and heard Wade’s shrill scream.

Then time slowed down.

The ball arched higher than any hit I’d ever seen. I charted its progress, amazed. Then it began to descend, directly toward Nakib’s. Worse yet, it descended right toward their large picture window. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, it sure did.

It landed squarely in the middle of the window.

Or at least that was how I pictured it in my mind, for by that time I’m sure I was imitating Wade’s stance cowering out in left field.

By the time I opened my eyes, I saw the kids scattering.

Loren hopped on his bike and shot down the alley, dust rising in his wake. The only signs of Robbie and Chad was the screen door slamming shut to their house. Danny was cowering about 30 yards away in the lilacs. Lance – the little shit – was high tailing it toward Robbie’s Dad’s parked Jeep in the alley. I saw him hesitate and look back at me in fear. Apparently Wade was under there too.

Here I should mention that a few years earlier I had broken my ankle. As a result, I had put on several helpings of baby fat since I had to spend most of the summer in a cast sitting on the porch chowing down chips and sweets.

Since the lot was completely empty, I had no where to go. Had a monster truck been parked nearby, I could have wattled under that for shelter but no such luck.

How I wished a California Redwood would spring up right in the middle so I could have something to hide behind!

Why couldn’t we have been at the elementary school, which was perched on a series of hills. So whenever I had to flee, I simply rolled down the hill. You can’t fight gravity.

However, there was no where to duck. By the time I dared peal my clamped palm from my mouth and glance back at Nakib’s, I saw the entire family peering out the window. Or what was left of it, which just happened to be a few shards, which were shaped like large jagged slices of pizza.

I to called to Danny, who was buried deep in the lilacs. I had half a mind to see if he could pick some of them for a gift. If they liked aloe vera, maybe they’d like lilacs. But Danny was ignoring me.

I looked back. The Nakib’s were still staring out at me. Just then a slice of glass tumbled from the top pane and crashed onto the lawn.

I did the only thing I could. I screamed, “Loren, did it!” and pointed at the now evaporating dust trail along the alley and waddled home the looooong way.