Black Friday

Thanksgiving was wonderful. Kristie made an excellent meal. KoKo, Casey, Gail, and I (plus Kristie, of course) eat it. Then we played American History Trivia - at Casey's request - and were all thoroughly squashed by Kristie. In fact, she has never lost at a game of American History Trivia. Actually, we began playing while the turkey was still cooking and Casey jumped out to a large lead. However, we paused to have our dinner and then resumed playing. That was when Kristie left us all in the dust.

After eating way tooooo much. I plopped on the couch for some football while Kristie and KoKo hung Christmas decorations. Our house is in full holiday mode now. They both did a wonderful job this year.

The only debate is what to do about a Christmas tree. Currently we have the skirting down around a small fiber optic tree. Of course, it took Mischa all of 30 seconds to tackle it once it was set up. And that's the reason we don't have last year's tree up. The cats demolished it. We should have known we were in for some trouble when two years ago Einstein had a habit of crawling into the tree and laying in it. One night we were watching TV and saw the lights flicker briefly. Then Einer shot out of the tree in a ball of fur and fury. Upon further investigation, we learned that he bit into one of the cords supplying juice to a string of lights. And you thought that scene from "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" was all fictional?

After that section of lights was removed and thrown away - as well as several bulbs, we swore to get a different tree the following year. Well, that didn't happen. But we did tie the tree to our banister to keep it from toppling over. Einer and Mischa were still fascinated by the bulbs and nearly toppled the tree on several occasions. Last year when we took down the decorations, the tree was chucked.

This year we are without a tree so far. I think we're all pulling for a real tree, but Kristie has a fear that one of the cats will pee in it. At this point, nothing surprises me with these guys.

After all, even the little fiber optic tree didn't last long on the floor - it's now safely out of reach on top of the home entertainment cabinet.

****

Here is a piece I wrote last year for an assignment on tone and humor for my College Comp class. It deals with Black Friday and all the shopping insanity that is taking place even now as I type this.

I got the idea while Kristie related how her Shannon, Kristie's best friend's husband, was sent out into the madness of Black Friday one early morning. I don't know what sales were so great or toy needed so desperately that the poor man had to face the horde of shoppers at the crack of dawn, but Kristie told us how Shannon got caught up in all the insanity as the doors opened. He found himself screaming and running along with all the other shoppers.

This is what I came up with.

No One Gets Out of Here Alive

It’s The Morning After. No I don’t mean the pill. Nor do I mean that old nuclear holocaust film from the early 80s. This is the real crisis. It’s the Morning after Thanksgiving. The busiest shopping day of the year. It’s 4:30 and I’m stuck in what appears to be a mosh pit. If I was 30 yards from the stage with Metallica or Korn playing, I’d say this was a mosh pit. But since I’m 30 yards from the doors to Target, I’d say I’m nuts.

Worse than being up at this hour of the morning (and believe me I’m not the first here - which explains why I’m 30 yards away from the Target entrance and, believe me, this might be the Morning After but there are some here who look like they have been lined up since the Day Before), worse than being up and out in 24 degree late November weather, worse than being up and out and in this mosh pit of grandmothers, granddaughters, mothers, and daughters, is the fact that there are more grandmothers, granddaughters, mothers, and daughters piled in behind me. So I couldn’t even get out if I wanted. I’m a prisoner. For an instant I entertain the thought of crying for help and pretending to faint, as I once did when Metallica played in the Allerus. The fans in the pit just hoisted me up and surfed me toward the stage where the security guards grabbed me and ushered me to safety. But here I wouldn’t stand a chance. They’d rather trample me with their heels, canes, and walkers than lift me up and out of here.

The old bitty trapped next to me has been plotting my demise since I’d tried to make small talk with her an hour ago.

“How are you tonight, uh, I mean this morning,” I asked the lady next to me as I alternately stomped my feet and blew steamy breath into my cupped hands.

“Don’t yap at me sunny,” the old lady said. Her breath took form and floated away. “I learned long ago not to let compassion get in the way of a bargain,” she snapped at me like a chiwawa on PCP.

“Excuse me Ma’am?” I asked shocked.

“I don’t have time for emotion. You start talking. Then you get to know someone. Next thing you know, you’re inside the store and you’re about to reach for that just released Christmas sweater. You know the one with the kittens playing with the green and black yarn around the Christmas tree with that fine embroidery on the front. Then your so called ‘friend,” the one you trusted with the top secret info, is pushing you out of the way to snare the last large one of the rack,” she said.

I could only stare, aware only of the cold air flooding into my mouth, which had to be hanging down somewhere around my knees.

“So quit the small talk sonny,” she finished. Just to make sure she didn’t divulge any pertinent information, she plucked her dentures out and stashed them in her purse, which she snapped shut and clutched in front of her chest as if it were bullet proof.

No one gets out of here alive, flashed through my mind. I was a dead man. Not only that but I was the only man - alive or dead - in the crowd. I am a goner.

Just then the doors opened . . .

****

I think I'll stick to my Day After tradition - watching some of the MN Prep Bowl and taking in Colorado vs. Nebrasks. Then Kristie's father, his wife, and brother are coming over. Which reminds me. I have a lot of work to do before then . . . Happy Black Friday!