The World of Paint Ball

Saturday morning Kristie, KoKo, her friend Natasha, and I traveled over to East Grand Forks to see Casey's paintball team, "XSNME," in their first tournament. It was held in a large area fenced in with about fifteen feet tall black mesh skirting. The course itself involved a series of "bunkers," really inflatable obstacles which the players ducked behind while shooting at each other.

I have always been intrigued by those attracted to this 'sport.' I always joke with Casey about how it most certainly is not a sport nor is it worth all of the money he pours into it (while I may have changed my mind about the former point, I still have not changed my mind about the latter point).

Of course, the tournament was delayed. They had to wait for the EGF parade to saunter by. Then the tournament officials had to get everyone signed in, sell them the official paint balls (I think this is one way the tournament organizers make a big profit), check equipment, get the CO2 tanks filled and so on.

In all there were six teams. One team seemed to be comprised of 7th or 8th graders. My heart went out to them. While their equipment was top notch (they basically walked around with paintball canons) and they had spirited support from their mothers, they really didn't stand a chance against the older teams. In fact, I think their first match lasted roughly 10 seconds.

But things didn't go much better for Casey's team. Their first match lasted maybe 30 seconds. They were pitted against a more experienced team - one of the members had the name "Dad" on the bag of his jersey (are you kidding me? I though. They have jerseys for this kind of crap. Yep, they do). Worse than that, their 'coach' (yeah, I thought, "They have coaches for this crap too?" Yep, they do). This team's coach happened to be wife/mother/girlfriend, who took her paintball quite seriously. As soon as the team took its place on the opposite end of the range from Casey's team, she opened up. "Come on LSN (their team name)! Come on! Go! Go! Go!" she began screaming. I about died of embarrassment (I'm the kind of person who has to watch those first few episodes of American Idol through slits in my hand because I am so embarrassed for the people about to get ripped to shreds by Simon).

She then began to bark out commands "Aztec 30. One, Two, and Three. Aztec 30. Four and five! Four and five! Come one now!" (yeah, I thought, "They have strategy and a whole terminology all their own. Yep, they do). Apparently, since each team is comprised of five members, there are five 'bunkers' designed for them to hide behind. Three in back and two ahead of those. Beyond that in "No Man's Land" are four or five more bunkers. I guess she was using some type of code to tell her team where Casey's team was and what strategy to use against them.

Now this might not have been so bad had it not been for "Dad" to scream like an absolute bloody fool when they had finished off Casey's team. It was ridiculous.

Now I'm all for sports. But there is just something pathetic about watching a paunchy, bald, middle aged man who sucked down cigarettes between matches gloating over beating a bunch of 16 year olds. It was worse than men's 'beer league' softball.

Casey's team then enlisted me to help coach them. I am a sucker to help out, and I was whisked away into this paintball madness. On our second try together, Casey's team beat "LSN."

While I felt like a dim-whit - especially after all my initial feelings and snide remarks - but it was worth it to see how happy the boys were with that win.

Casey's team even made it onto the cover of the GF Herald.

In all I think they won four or five matches. But thankfully the paintball season is coming to an end, and a real sport season (football) is only a few days away. Then life can return to normal.