Random wonders

Some random observations from the past few days --

Blake Allen finally showed up yesterday. We were beginning to miss him. I knew he was over as soon as I pulled up. I saw his chopper spilled on our lawn.

Casey was playing with him in his room on one of his video games. KoKo had a friend over, so Blake played with them for awhile. In fact, I noticed a little note on the table. It was from KoKo. She began by explaining that she had been responsible for breaking several things in the past, so I knew what was to follow. She explained how she and Rachel had been chasing each other around the table. Then Blake decided to join in. Apparently, KoKo's friend, Rachel, got knocked into one of our cases and a leaf display fell. The tip broke off. KoKo was sorry and said that they would never chase each other in the house again. Included with the note was all the cash she had ($11.00). How can you not love kids?

I didn't get to visit with him, though, because I went out to the backyard to pick up and Blake's mom came over to get him for supper. But he did come back right after and we were able to visit a bit.

He informed me that today was his graduation - from kindergarten. He seemed pretty fired up by it. We had a nice little before we had dinner and I had to send him home. But he didn't make it too far, for as we were eating, I saw him over at our neighbor's helping him mow lawn.

*****

What a difference a week can make. The student who wrote about feeling most alive at a party and driving drunk (I blogged about this last week or the week before) and pouted royally when I made him re-do the essay, is now my best buddy. The trick? Just getting to know him - and letting him get to know me.

We had a little down time today since a bulk of our students are out for choir rehearsal. So we just talked. I found out I taught his older brother. I also found that I would have this student in my summer classes. Then we talked about his work and his future plans. Before I knew it, he was smiling and opening up - and, of course, getting no work done - but he at least wasn't disruptive. Now that I've let him in and vice versa, now I'll start to push him to work more. And I think it'll work. He likes me again - and that's half the battle.

*****

I think I've realized why I've often been so bitter and disappointed this year. I'm in need of renewal. When I took a leave of absence and went to graduate school, it was because I was disappointed in myself. I wasn't teaching as well as I could. Nor were my courses what I wanted them to be. I was disillusioned. I knew coming in to teaching that I'd be unprepared. Who isn't? But I lived through my first year and started my second with much higher expectations. And I did do better. In my third year, I wasn't scared of teaching. I related well to the students. We covered a lot of material. However, I just felt empty in what I was doing. There had to be more. That's when I went to graduate school.

I still don't think I'm teaching as well as I could, but I now have the tools and perspective to know I can improve. I had that renewal at graduate school. For the most part, we do good things in my classroom. I have a genuine feeling that I provide my students with useful skills, ideas, and experiences. I wasn't sure of this before. I even can say - without being conceited - that there are some things I do better than anyone. Not many, but a few.

Now, however, the new disillusionment is from the environment around me. Instead of wanting more out of myself and my classes, I want more out of the school. And it just isn't there. I need some way to conquer or fix that.

One thing that will help is the Red River Valley Writers Project at UND. It will be four weeks of intensive reading and writing about reading and writing with other teachers. Here I'll get a chance to see what they have to think and say not only about their classes and teaching styles but also about their teaching environments. It is here that I hope to get some renewal. Either it will confirm that my experiences are not unique and that I have to just suck it up and know that what I do in my room during my class time is all that I can control or it will offer me hope that there are things that can be done to turn the school environment into what I experience often in my classroom.

And if nothing else, the summer and time with family is enough to erase the frustration that has built up this year.

*****

The blue Kristie started in our room last weekend is too light. The stone white/brown that she added to the other walls last night is great. But the blue looks too childish. So she will get a gallon of darker blue and repaint. All that work!

Last night I tried to help her paint, but my attention to detail and her attention to detail are light years away. In fact, as we were painting last night (Kristie handed all of the edge and trim work), I couldn't help but think of an Oscar Wilde quote from a few days earlier. He said something to the effect of spending all morning editing a poem. At lunch he decided to remove a comma. But then later than night he decided to put it back. That focus and attention to detail is exactly how Kristie paints.

Over that past year or so, since we've been done painting most of the rooms, I've begun to take all of her original hard work for granted. If I had painted the place . . . well, we won't think about that. It probably would never have been painted at all. Our house (and lives) need her attention to detail.